Posts tagged Murder She Wrote

If “defined my childhood” is the same thing as “my mom forgot to pick me up from Girl Guides because she got really wrapped up in an episode of Matlock and I had to sit on the cold steps, waiting for like 45 minutes with a grown woman who called herself ‘Canary.’” But even I had to admit that Matlock was a really great show. Maybe the second best show, after Murder She Wrote. 

I had a dream last night that I was at a dinner party and the host died because she tried to poison my food, but I switched plates with her like a goddamn genius. And right as she was falling over I told her Jessica Fletcher taught me everything I know. Then Dolly Parton came in to solve the crime, because I guess Jessica was stuck in Cabot Cove or whatever, and she said “Well, she gone and done it to herself, crazy bitch.”  And then I had dinner with Dolly Parton. What I learned from this is that being awake is pointless and liquid Benedryl is the greatest invention ever.