Miss Guided

Me and 3 Cabbies

Wed, 15 May 2013 12:38:43 -0600

Last night I had a dream I was eating lunch with three 20-something cabbies (one woman, two dudes) who later offered me a ride in their taxi. But then they locked the doors and started attacking me. I was pretty sure the next step was to make me their sex slave, because obviously attractive 20-somethings would adore the shit out of me. I punched them each in the face and jumped out of the moving car, yelling after them, “we ate lunch together!” as though attacking someone you’ve shared a meal with is the coldest thing you could ever do. I stand by that feeling.

Things that went wrong on the first day at my new job

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 17:20:57 -0700

1. I couldn’t figure out how to get through the locked doors on my way to the washroom, so I just waited until someone else went through and ran through behind them. In retrospect, a simple “hey, how does this door open?” would have been more effective.

2. I accepted a lunch invitation, but didn’t have my wallet with me. Luckily I was being treated, so I didn’t need my wallet and, therefore, didn’t need to pretend like I’m an organized person who doesn’t forget her wallet every other damn day.

3. Both of those things pale in comparison to when I clicked on a link that appeared completely innocent and a giant vagina popped up on my screen. I (inadvertently) looked at porn at work — on my first day. Normally I would reserve that for the 87th day.

Hopefully I can manage to get through tomorrow without accidentally downloading information on the effects of chloroform.

Top 10 job titles at TED 2013

Thu, 21 Feb 2013 09:09:00 -0700

In order from “I could probably do that” to “I’ve totally done that and why didn’t you call me?”:

10. Management theorist (I have so, so many theories on management)

9. Mouth musician (You should hear the F sharp that comes out of this mouth)

8. Yo-yo champion (Probably, if my 7th grade teacher hadn’t confiscated my yo-yo)

7. Sanitation champion (I’m wiping down toilet seats every damn day)

6. Shepherd of electrons (I have the perfect boots for it)

5. Personal fab pioneer (I am almost definitely all of those things)

4. Charity defender (Whenever anyone says “I hate charity,” I’m all like “Fuck you.”)

3. Kindness catalyst (Whenever anyone says “I hate charity, I say “Try being nicer, asshole” and I think it’s working.)

2. Wishmaker (I’ve left about $1 million in pennies in mall wishing ponds all over this country)

1. Passionate reader (Seriously, why didn’t you call me, TED? I read books so good)

There is never a need for a pair of pants to have both a button and clasp closure. It seems the...

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 13:17:51 -0700

There is never a need for a pair of pants to have both a button and clasp closure. It seems the clasp’s only purpose is to keep the button discreetly hidden, as if a button is some kind of fetish-laden clothing porn we should be ashamed of. I have never seen a button on someone’s pants and thought, “oh my God, put that thing away, you dirty, dirty person.” In fact, if I noticed pants without a button, I might say “hey, dude, you lost a button” or just stand there staring and marvelling at how well the pants were operating under such stressful, lost-button conditions. My point is this: I almost peed my pants because I forgot I had two closures to open. Take note, pantelones makers.

I applied for this writing job, but I’m not entirely sure I have all the (awesome) physical...

Mon, 21 Jan 2013 10:45:56 -0700

I applied for this writing job, but I’m not entirely sure I have all the (awesome) physical skills required.

Physical demands: Frequent repetitive arm, hand and finger movement. Bending, reaching and daily stair climbing required. Exposure to dust / fumes / gases / odours / animal dander and change in temperature. Accurate visual acuity, colour vision and conversational auditory skills required.

I’m legitimately afraid to go to the doctor, despite having debilitating stomach pains for two...

Mon, 10 Dec 2012 10:17:57 -0700

I’m legitimately afraid to go to the doctor, despite having debilitating stomach pains for two weeks now, in case she tells me I have to become one of those assholes who doesn’t eat bread. No offense to the assholes who don’t eat bread. It’s just that I don’t understand you and I fear what I don’t understand, so you scare the shit out of me. Also, stuffing for the win!

I learned something about myself tonight as I re-covered my kitchen chairs. I’m far too lazy...

Thu, 29 Nov 2012 22:30:00 -0700

I learned something about myself tonight as I re-covered my kitchen chairs. I’m far too lazy to walk across the alley to get a staple remover from the dollar store, but I am not too lazy to remove 700 staples using a pair of nail clippers. It probably doubled the time, but it saved me at least 200 steps in the cold. I’m not sure what this says about me, but I’m also not sure it’s bad.

Melina-isms

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 13:22:21 -0700

We’re doing an office clean-up today and I couldn’t bear to throw out the post-it note collection of things our former co-worker and friend, Melina, said. So for the sake of posterity (and, yes, the opportunity to embarrass a friend…once again, her name is Melina. Last name: Morales), here they are:

1. “Is that a baby? Oh, it’s Sarah’s chair.”

2. “Ew. I don’t like my meatballs.”

3. “We used to throw poop at each other.”

4. “I can’t wait to stuff my turkey.”

5. “I want a sea otter. I want to squeeze one to death.”

6. “Remember when I bit into an apple and my tooth fell out?”

7. “My mint tastes minty!”

8. “I smell like beans.”

9. “OMG. It smells like gerbils in here.”

10. “Ew, I hate baths! I don’t like floating in my own filth.”

11. “My ovary feels funny.”

12. “She has the best life!!!” (Referring to Kim Kardashian.)

13. My body is like a pomegranate: nice and smooth on the outside, all bumpy and seedy on the inside.

14. “My fingers are turning gold. I am becoming gold. I look good as gold.”

And my personal favorite:

15. “oh shit, did my eyebrow come off?!?”

laurenashleybishop: pedro couldn’t vote. but damned if he...

Tue, 06 Nov 2012 15:33:17 -0700

laurenashleybishop:

pedro couldn’t vote.

but damned if he couldn’t make a difference.

hahaha

"James, your testicle"

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 16:09:56 -0600

“James, your testicle”

- Best quote from the halloween party we attended this weekend. The dudes were dressed way sluttier than the women and, well, some things were seen that shouldn’t have been.

megsokay: annetdonahue: emmadot: politicsbuzz: “And if I...

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 19:48:00 -0600

megsokay:

annetdonahue:

emmadot:

politicsbuzz:

“And if I have to listen to one more grey-faced man with a $2 haircut explain to me what rape is, I’m going to lose my mind.” — Tina Fey speaking at the Center for Reproductive Rights Inaugural Gala.

TINA FUCKING FEY Y’ALL

#YGG

EXCUSE YOU. THE QUEEN IS HOLDING COURT.

Tina Fey, ladies and gentlemen.

Photo

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 19:08:29 -0600

theramblingfangirl: senseis: videohall: ABCDEF….Cookie...

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 14:15:36 -0600

theramblingfangirl:

senseis:

videohall:

ABCDEF….Cookie Monster

> The “I love you,” at the end was absolutely adorable.

> This is the cutest thing ever.

ofmgasfdkjhksdjfh

I miss teaching little ones.

Cutest video. Ever.

thedailywhat: Dear Ann Coulter of the Day: After Ann...

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 13:25:24 -0600

thedailywhat:

Dear Ann Coulter of the Day: After Ann Coulter referred to President Obama as a retard in a tweet during Monday night’s presidential debate, Special Olympics athlete and global messenger John Franklin Stephens penned her this open letter:

Dear Ann Coulter,

Come on Ms. Coulter, you aren’t dumb and you aren’t shallow. So why are you continually using a word like the R-word as an insult?

I’m a 30 year old man with Down syndrome who has struggled with the public’s perception that an intellectual disability means that I am dumb and shallow. I am not either of those things, but I do process information more slowly than the rest of you. In fact it has taken me all day to figure out how to respond to your use of the R-word last night.

I thought first of asking whether you meant to describe the President as someone who was bullied as a child by people like you, but rose above it to find a way to succeed in life as many of my fellow Special Olympians have.

Then I wondered if you meant to describe him as someone who has to struggle to be thoughtful about everything he says, as everyone else races from one snarkey sound bite to the next.

Finally, I wondered if you meant to degrade him as someone who is likely to receive bad health care, live in low grade housing with very little income and still manages to see life as a wonderful gift.

Because, Ms. Coulter, that is who we are – and much, much more.

After I saw your tweet, I realized you just wanted to belittle the President by linking him to people like me. You assumed that people would understand and accept that being linked to someone like me is an insult and you assumed you could get away with it and still appear on TV.

I have to wonder if you considered other hateful words but recoiled from the backlash.

Well, Ms. Coulter, you, and society, need to learn that being compared to people like me should be considered a badge of honor.

No one overcomes more than we do and still loves life so much.

Come join us someday at Special Olympics. See if you can walk away with your heart unchanged.

A friend you haven’t made yet, John Franklin Stephens Global Messenger Special Olympics Virginia

[specialolympicsblog]

Bam! “Ms. Coulter, you, and society, need to learn that being compared to people like me should be considered a badge of honor.” I love this dude.

I just accidentally yelled “Fuck on!” meaning, of course, both “fuck off”...

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 11:07:00 -0600

I just accidentally yelled “Fuck on!” meaning, of course, both “fuck off” and “come on.” From this day forward I will say it all the time. For everything. Something’s great: Fuck on! Something’s shitty: fuck on! I hope you’re prepared for all the fucking ons. Or is it fuckings on? Either way.

I have never once left the dentist’s office and said “that wasn’t nearly as bad as...

Tue, 23 Oct 2012 17:41:00 -0600

I have never once left the dentist’s office and said “that wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be.” The lesson here is that it is ALWAYS as bad as you think it’s going to be.

Old man: Shit! Oh, sorry, I meant shoot.

Fri, 19 Oct 2012 10:15:22 -0600

Old man: Shit! Oh, sorry, I meant shoot.

Me: It's okay.

Old man: Oh, for heaven's sake.

Me: No really, it's okay. I say shit all the time.

Old man: Well you shouldn't.

tyleroakley: OMG. STOP EVERYTHING NOW. WATCH THIS. IT GETS...

Mon, 15 Oct 2012 10:58:29 -0600

tyleroakley:

OMG.

STOP EVERYTHING NOW. WATCH THIS.

IT GETS FUNNIER WITH EVERY REWATCH.

Holy shit. That is all.

Me: Grandpa, we're playing Balderdash. Do you want to play?

Mon, 08 Oct 2012 09:18:00 -0600

Me: Grandpa, we're playing Balderdash. Do you want to play?
Grandpa: I don't know what a balderdash is.
Me: It's a game where you make up answers and try to get people to guess them.
Grandpa: You lie?
Me: Yes
Grandpa: Why would I want to lie? You say the truth or nothing at all.

This morning I got really excited when I saw mandarin oranges in our office kitchen. I was all...

Wed, 03 Oct 2012 11:07:00 -0600

This morning I got really excited when I saw mandarin oranges in our office kitchen. I was all “holy shit, it’s mandarin orange season!” and then I remembered that we’ve had mandarin oranges in our kitchen since April probably. So I have to believe that China really is taking over the world because there was once a time when slouch socks were cool and you had to wait a whole year to peel a mandarin orange into the shape of an elephant’s head.