Miss Guided

I just sneezed and I’m pretty sure my uterus broke. Something in there hurt. It’s gotta be the uterus, right?

I was just in a meeting about cookies and anal. The weird part is there were no actual cookies at the meeting.

So I have Strep throat. When I was a teenager I seemed to get it all the time, and the doctor said it’s pretty common for pubescent kids to get it often, so I’m probably going through a second puberty. So far I only have the Strep throat and a giant pimple on my chin to verify this theory, but pretty soon my boobs are going to be enormous. You just wait.

I’m celebrating America Day by adding bourbon to everything I drink. So far the results are mixed: it’s great with lemonade, shitty with milk. And I’ve decided to stretch Canada Day out to a whole week — celebrating, of course, with maple syrup and sarcasm.

Apparently Vitamin D and Calcium are separate things, you guys! All along I thought I was preventing Osteo-whatever-itis by taking Vitamin D. I thought one was the street name and one was the official name, but Sheena informs me I’m wrong and that, perhaps, Vitamin D is a street name for Meth or something, but definitely not for Calcium. Someone get me some milk, stat. And by milk I do not mean heroin. I hardly ever do heroin.

If “defined my childhood” is the same thing as “my mom forgot to pick me up from Girl Guides because she got really wrapped up in an episode of Matlock and I had to sit on the cold steps, waiting for like 45 minutes with a grown woman who called herself ‘Canary.’” But even I had to admit that Matlock was a really great show. Maybe the second best show, after Murder She Wrote.