- Me: It smells like something's burning. Maybe it's the dust in heat vents because they haven't worked in months.
- Angela: It smells like burning skin, so it probably is the heat vents. Dust is 80% skin cells.
Some companies post notes that celebrate 43 days free of workplace injuries. Mine celebrates 43 days free of bathroom unpleasantness, complete with photos of kittens and pink toilet paper.
I just told someone to “fly safe” like they have any choice in the matter. I mean, unless they’re carrying nail clippers or 150 ml of shampoo, in which case they’re risking everyone’s safety and that’s just not nice.
- Betty White: The only thing I haven't done in my career is Robert Redford.
- Robert Redford: You tell Betty she had her chance.
The thing about a show like “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant” existing is that, even though I’ve never seen a single episode, if I catch a glimpse of my side profile in the mirror and see a bump that wasn’t there yesterday, I think it’s probably a baby. Even though, in actual fact, it’s the two pieces of cake and Indian buffet I had for lunch. And then I spend the entire afternoon wondering how many bottles of wine is too many for a pregnant lady.