Shoes are Punny
Whenever I see a “Massive Blowout Sale” sign at a shoe store, I wonder to myself if the shoes lost their soles, or if everyone who works there just lost their souls. And then I laugh to myself because thinking about soulless people is funny.
Midget water coolers
Why are the pushy-thingys on water coolers so low? You look like you’re either preparing to be mounted or have one mangled leg. This is bullshit. Also, what are those pushy thingys called? Levers? Handles? Sick jokes?
Dear friends: stop asking me to do boot camp with...
It’s not happening. Boot camp is not something I do. If I wanted to do it, I’d be in the army because I think I’d look really good in fatigues. Green and that non-descript brown are my colours. But I do not like to throw up, and this is the kind of thing that would make me throw up, so no thank you. When I throw up, I cry. If someone yells at me, I also cry. And I don’t...
Who is this guy I live with?
My boyfriend just drafted a dog killer and a rapist to his fantasy football team. I don’t think I even know who he is anymore. I mean, he didn’t pick a single player who’s shot someone in a club. I was hoping for three of three. Disappointed.
Last text conversation with my bf. Aren't we...
BF: Sam just gave me a great deal. $15 instead of $31.
Me: I'm going to assume Sam works at the golf course and you're not talking about a hooker.
BF: $15 BJs! It's like Dealfind or something.
Me: Hey, if there's a Groupon for it, it's legit.
BF: Sam is a boy.
Me: Most are.
Words that end in 'y' are so awesomey.
On behalf of all the copywriters of the world, I would like to point out that “irreverenty” is not solid creative direction. It’s not even a word. I’m also not a fan of “edgy” or “spicy” or “punchy.” Please say what you want in full sentences, or pretty soon thing are going to get “stabby.”
Technology is good. Sometimes.
When I’m really angry, my keyboard just stops cooperating. It’s like the keys all switch spots. The shift key becomes the caps lock key and suddenly it looks like I’M YELLING because there’s no way I’m not going to a least attempt to insert proper punctuation, no matter how angry I am, so the CAPS LOCK KEY WILL HAVE TO DO FOR NOW. and the keys are never big enough for...
Now what, Steve?
Since Steve Jobs left the job behind, does that mean he’ll just be going by “Steves” now? Also, this Tim Cook dude better wear black turtlenecks whenever he announces new products or I quit this Apple thing forever. Forever!
bffproductions: My entire body shutdown with idiot shivers when I saw this video. ALL OF MY ORGANS ARE NOW USELESS entertainmentweekly: “It’s in the style of Lil Wayne.” - Anne Hathaway
I guess what I'm saying is, sorry for stealing...
You guys, I just remembered last night that I once stole some other kid’s chocolate milk and I didn’t even feel badly about it, which is weird because normally this kind of thing would cause anxiety of epic proportions. But after remembering this, I had a nightmare about it, so I guess it was just one of those things I pushed deep into my soul that I will now be forced to pay for...
Life lesson #264: swearing does not make you...
Last night a storm was coming in and the sky was crazy and the birds were all going nuts. So I let out an “Oh-oh, shit” because it seemed appropriate to the obvious doom we were all about to be met with. But at the exact same time as I said “Oh-oh Shit” the lady standing next to me said “Oh-oh, sugar” and I immediately felt like an asshole. Or an apple, as she...
I got my Bachelorette’s in Saskatchewan. I was in one of the highest...– Some lady in the parking lot of the Vietnamese restaurant I eat at sometimes. Do you think she’s educated in bachelorette party planning, or actually has a Bachelor’s degree in Education? I’m hoping it’s the former.
A man should never neglect his mustache for business.– Walt Disney, right? Right.
I don’t care much for singing. Some Michael Bublé I like, but most singing...– I know the old lady who said this last night.
Laid off workers win lottery →
This is a way better story than those stupid ones about a dude who’s already well off winning the lottery, or some 18-year-old brat who’ll just squander it, or a 90-year-old lady who doesn’t even really get that she won - she just likes playing the numbers. This is the way it should happen.
The best email I've ever read
I’m not naming names, but this boy who I live with and sleep in the same bed with recently got a haircut and it requires some taming, so he set out to buy some hair product, but he probably hasn’t purchased a hair product since like 1996 when it was a requirement for every boy who lived in his particular redneck prairie town that was working so hard to become a city. Apparently the...
The Adventures of Cowboy T. and Me
The thing that sucks about having an old dog is that anytime he’s under the weather you think, “oh my God, this is it, they’re going to have to put him down.” At least that’s what happens to me. I had a good long conversation with my pooch this morning to let him know how much he’s meant to me these last 11 years. You know, normal stuff, like “man, you...
When I was three years old I could perfectly articulate that I wanted a sandwich with extra pickles and no mayo, please and thank you. Today I asked for a “samwich.” Fuck.
News flash: I'm old as shit
Me: Great, now this hole in my jeans is starting to split down the leg and I only have one other pair that fits anymore.
Julie: Maybe it's the jeans, not you.
Me: No, it's a whole lot of me.
Julie: It's probably just from the weather.
Me: Like just my thighs and ass are swelling from the heat? I like that.
Julie: Or maybe your body is just changing.
Me: I'm finally going through puberty? Cool.
Julie: No, like your body is changing because you're getting older.
Candied windshields are the new cupcake
My car was out of smurf juice this morning and it was covered in this sticky crap that falls from the tree in front of our building, but I had some leftover Coke from a Subway meal deal I bought last week (toasted turkey, extra pickles) so I poured that on the windshield. Good idea, right?
You're invited to Punky Brewster's Birthday Party.... →
When I was a little munchkin I didn’t have an imaginary friend named Sam like my brother did. But I did have a fictional one. Punky Brewster was my fictional BFF, and I wanted to be just like her, which was a vast improvement over wanting to be like the girl down the street who stapled her fingernails and wet the bed. Unlike some of the more uptight moms, my mom pretty much let me wear...
Hey, toilet-stall designer:
What kind of person designs a handicap bathroom stall with the metal bar beside the toilet, but the toilet paper roll way on the other side, out of reach? Yes, I realize that I sort of just admitted to being the kind of person who uses handicap stalls even though I’m not handicapped, but it’s not like they require a sticker, which I think means it’s totally okay if you really,...
You Are Welcome Here: A Letter to My Daughter →
lieslieslies: Some days I fear I will never meet you. Some days I fear that you will never exist and that time, shhh, long ago, was the last chance. But other days I break apart completely thinking about your skin and if you’d smile with your eyes or with your entire face. I just wanted to tell you some…