November 2011
29 posts
Dear Santa: I have someone to report to your naughty list
Remember four months ago when I backed into that BMW and scratched the bumper, and did the nice thing and left a note? And how the lady called a month later to say the damage was $420 because she took it to her dealer, even though everyone knows dealers rip you off?
Do you also remember that I called her right back and asked if she wanted me to do an email transfer or send a cheque, and how she then didn’t call me back for another two months? I thought, what a nice lady! No naughty list for her.
Yeah, well, she called today when I was in my most Christmasy mood to ask when she could expect a cheque.
I do realize that I did the bad thing here, initially, but come on! It’s Christmas in 25 sleeps! Where is her Christmas spirit?
So I’d just like you to consider putting her on the naughty list.
Thanks, Santa!
Love,
Jodi
P.S. For Christmas, I could really use $420. That or one of those animal-butt wine stoppers.
My coworker got a deep fryer for his birthday
- Him: Deep-fried pickles are a side. They're not a main like mozza sticks.
- Me: Mozza sticks are not a main dish.
- Him: How is that not a main? It’s dairy, coated in breading and egg, and I dipped it in marinara sauce. That’s a vegeatable according to US Congress.
“I’d rather spend money on clothes than on food because clothes you can look at in the morning, y’know?”
—I overheard a girl say this to her friend at the movies last night. Obviously she’s a genius.
Do I know you?
I suddenly have an irrational fear that I’m going to become one of those old people who gets scammed out of my life’s savings, even though I know I’ll never have a life’s savings. I’m really upset right now.
You might be a Canadian if...
You might be a Canadian if you dream that your kidnapper only feeds you two spoonfuls of quinoa a day and you thank him for being thoughtful enough to serve you a complete protein.
Merry Christ-Meth!
My co-worker just suggested we decorate our work area in a Merry Christmeth theme. It would be a cautionary Christmas tale about the dangers of meth, incorporating only the saddest parts of Breaking Bad.
Now, I don’t think anyone we work with has even tried meth, but I think this is a fantastic idea, and here’s why:
I love competition almost as much as I love Christmas (nay, I love winning as much as I love Christmas) and every year we have a decorating competition with the other departments to see who’s the best. How can this not be the best, right?
Shock factor +Everyone’s most hated drug + doing a public service through decoration = kicking your garland-and-tinsel decorating ass.
Masala tube tops anyone?
Don’t even try to tell me the copywriter who wrote this Dealfind description wasn’t high as a kite when he/she did it. Butter chicken-basted earrings do not happen in a sober state:
“Colourfully clad women in saris help keep the rainbows of India inspired, and their vibrant garb is often coordinated with exquisite dinner dishes, giving them reason to buy butter chicken-basted earrings and masala tube tops.”
Rule: Christmas parties must take place in December
My workplace is holding its Christmas party on January 14 this year (er, next year) because people are so busy in December or whatever. Yeah, you know what we’re busy doing? Going to work-sponsored Christmas parties!
I guess they don’t understand that a Christmas party is meant to be the kick-off the drunken debauchery that is the Christmas season. Nobody wants to get together in January when they’re still hungover from Christmas and in the middle of a shame spiral with fuzzy recollections of starting the tablecloth on fire or kissing their second cousin under the mistletoe.
Fuck.
