Me and 3 Cabbies
Last night I had a dream I was eating lunch with three 20-something cabbies (one woman, two dudes) who later offered me a ride in their taxi. But then they locked the doors and started attacking me. I was pretty sure the next step was to make me their sex slave, because obviously attractive 20-somethings would adore the shit out of me. I punched them each in the face and jumped out of the moving...
Things that went wrong on the first day at my new...
1. I couldn’t figure out how to get through the locked doors on my way to the washroom, so I just waited until someone else went through and ran through behind them. In retrospect, a simple “hey, how does this door open?” would have been more effective. 2. I accepted a lunch invitation, but didn’t have my wallet with me. Luckily I was being treated, so I didn’t need...
Top 10 job titles at TED 2013
In order from “I could probably do that” to “I’ve totally done that and why didn’t you call me?”: 10. Management theorist (I have so, so many theories on management) 9. Mouth musician (You should hear the F sharp that comes out of this mouth) 8. Yo-yo champion (Probably, if my 7th grade teacher hadn’t confiscated my yo-yo) 7. Sanitation champion...
There is never a need for a pair of pants to have both a button and clasp closure. It seems the clasp’s only purpose is to keep the button discreetly hidden, as if a button is some kind of fetish-laden clothing porn we should be ashamed of. I have never seen a button on someone’s pants and thought, “oh my God, put that thing away, you dirty, dirty person.” In fact, if I...
I applied for this writing job, but I’m not entirely sure I have all the (awesome) physical skills required. Physical demands: Frequent repetitive arm, hand and finger movement. Bending, reaching and daily stair climbing required. Exposure to dust / fumes / gases / odours / animal dander and change in temperature. Accurate visual acuity, colour vision and conversational auditory skills...
I’m legitimately afraid to go to the doctor, despite having debilitating stomach pains for two weeks now, in case she tells me I have to become one of those assholes who doesn’t eat bread. No offense to the assholes who don’t eat bread. It’s just that I don’t understand you and I fear what I don’t understand, so you scare the shit out of me. Also, stuffing for...
I learned something about myself tonight as I re-covered my kitchen chairs. I’m far too lazy to walk across the alley to get a staple remover from the dollar store, but I am not too lazy to remove 700 staples using a pair of nail clippers. It probably doubled the time, but it saved me at least 200 steps in the cold. I’m not sure what this says about me, but I’m also not sure...
We’re doing an office clean-up today and I couldn’t bear to throw out the post-it note collection of things our former co-worker and friend, Melina, said. So for the sake of posterity (and, yes, the opportunity to embarrass a friend…once again, her name is Melina. Last name: Morales), here they are: 1. “Is that a baby? Oh, it’s Sarah’s chair.” 2....
James, your testicle– Best quote from the halloween party we attended this weekend. The dudes were dressed way sluttier than the women and, well, some things were seen that shouldn’t have been.
megsokay: annetdonahue: emmadot: politicsbuzz: “And if I have to listen to one more grey-faced man with a $2 haircut explain to me what rape is, I’m going to lose my mind.” — Tina Fey speaking at the Center for Reproductive Rights Inaugural Gala. TINA FUCKING FEY Y’ALL #YGG EXCUSE YOU. THE QUEEN IS HOLDING COURT. Tina Fey, ladies and gentlemen.
theramblingfangirl: senseis: videohall: ABCDEF….Cookie Monster > The “I love you,” at the end was absolutely adorable. > This is the cutest thing ever. ofmgasfdkjhksdjfh I miss teaching little ones. Cutest video. Ever.
I just accidentally yelled “Fuck on!” meaning, of course, both “fuck off” and “come on.” From this day forward I will say it all the time. For everything. Something’s great: Fuck on! Something’s shitty: fuck on! I hope you’re prepared for all the fucking ons. Or is it fuckings on? Either way.
I have never once left the dentist’s office and said “that wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be.” The lesson here is that it is ALWAYS as bad as you think it’s going to be.
Old man: Shit! Oh, sorry, I meant shoot.
Me: It's okay.
Old man: Oh, for heaven's sake.
Me: No really, it's okay. I say shit all the time.
Old man: Well you shouldn't.
tyleroakley: OMG. STOP EVERYTHING NOW. WATCH THIS. IT GETS FUNNIER WITH EVERY REWATCH. Holy shit. That is all.
Me: Grandpa, we're playing Balderdash. Do you want to play?
Grandpa: I don't know what a balderdash is.
Me: It's a game where you make up answers and try to get people to guess them.
Grandpa: You lie?
Grandpa: Why would I want to lie? You say the truth or nothing at all.
This morning I got really excited when I saw mandarin oranges in our office kitchen. I was all “holy shit, it’s mandarin orange season!” and then I remembered that we’ve had mandarin oranges in our kitchen since April probably. So I have to believe that China really is taking over the world because there was once a time when slouch socks were cool and you had to wait a...
Does anyone know of a job opening for a Public Intellectual? I’m available to start Jan. 1.
Everything about you is disgusting– Sheena
Mittens, you liar →
I’m excited to co-launch this site with some awesome friends. Together, we’re lighting Mitt Romney’s pants on fire, one truth at a time.
Licorice is an asshole
It’s delicious, yes, but also impossible to swallow without little pieces working their way into your sinus cavity. You try to blow you nose or tighten your throat hole to pull it back down, but it’s no use; it just sets up camp in that nowhereland between your nose and your throat and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. Right now someone out there is saying,...
This week I had my antioxidant levels tested because my friend has a machine that does that kind of thing and Dr. Oz is all about it and I’m a masochist. Anyway, it was a group event and I think I scored lower than anyone else in the room, so I’m definitely dying. I must already have cancer if the things that are supposed to prevent cancer just don’t seem to exist in my body, despite the fact that...
I just sneezed and I’m pretty sure my uterus broke. Something in there hurt. It’s gotta be the uterus, right?
I was just in a meeting about cookies and anal. The weird part is there were no actual cookies at the meeting.
So I have Strep throat. When I was a teenager I seemed to get it all the time, and the doctor said it’s pretty common for pubescent kids to get it often, so I’m probably going through a second puberty. So far I only have the Strep throat and a giant pimple on my chin to verify this theory, but pretty soon my boobs are going to be enormous. You just wait.
Can we all just take a minute to marvel at what a cool dog Chilly Pasternak is? Baby Hope Diamond is one lucky bitch.
I’m celebrating America Day by adding bourbon to everything I drink. So far the results are mixed: it’s great with lemonade, shitty with milk. And I’ve decided to stretch Canada Day out to a whole week — celebrating, of course, with maple syrup and sarcasm.
Apparently Vitamin D and Calcium are separate things, you guys! All along I thought I was preventing Osteo-whatever-itis by taking Vitamin D. I thought one was the street name and one was the official name, but Sheena informs me I’m wrong and that, perhaps, Vitamin D is a street name for Meth or something, but definitely not for Calcium. Someone get me some milk, stat. And by milk I do not...
Andy Griffith Defined my Childhood
If “defined my childhood” is the same thing as “my mom forgot to pick me up from Girl Guides because she got really wrapped up in an episode of Matlock and I had to sit on the cold steps, waiting for like 45 minutes with a grown woman who called herself ‘Canary.’” But even I had to admit that Matlock was a really great show. Maybe the second best show, after...
Homeless dudes are just like us
Homeless man: Happy Canada Day.
Me: Thanks, you too.
Homeless man: You too. Ah, shit. I already said that.
Forget those "celebrities are just like us" photos with Doogie Howser, or whoever, drinking an iced coffee because, holy shit, Homeless. People. Are. Just. Like. Us.
I can't argue with this
Me: Bless you.
Sheena: Next time, keep your allergies. Keep them in your dirty eyeball, your eyeball full of concentrated filth.
Me: My filth is concentrated?
Sheena: Well, it's in your eyeball.
Got an email from my mom this morning that said: “We’re going to Golden this weekend, but we’re not sure what condition the logging road is in, so if you don’t hear from me by Tuesday morning, please call in the troops. Oh, and we found Catch Phrase in our camping stuff, so sorry for accusing you of stealing our game.” I don’t remember her accusing me of...
10 Best job titles at TED Global 2012
Here’s proof that you can call yourself just about anything you want to and still be taken seriously. These are my 10 favorite made-up titles for speakers at TEDGlobal 2012. 10. Web Music Sensation 9. Diva 8. Femtophotographer 7. Revolutionary Guitarist 6. Maker 5. Transport Networker 4. Sharing Innovator 3. Bird Piano Creator 2. Sonochromatic Cyborg Artist 1. Public Intellectual
Every day when I get home, for 10 full seconds I get to feel like Justin Bieber feels 24 hours a day when my dog nearly faints from fan-boy excitement at the sight of me.
Sheena: If you're in a field when there's lightning, you're supposed to put your butt up in the air because your butt can absorb it and it won't go to your brain.
Me: I like to sit in the car when there's lightning because it has rubber tires.
Sheena: No, that's for electrical shock, like if there's a downed power line it can't come up into the car, but if lightning hits the roof of the car you could still die.
Me: What?! How am I ever going to feel safe again!? Noooooooooo!
Sheena: Well, I have limited science knowledge, so don't trust me.
Last night I found a red door mat in my washing machine and naturally assumed someone had snuck into our house to wash it. Like a homeless person who doesn’t have a washer and dryer, or a door, but does have a door mat. I could practically feel the culprit breathing behind me, so I tried to act all calm and natural so they wouldn’t kill me with an axe. Then I went upstairs and ate a...
I had a dream last night that I was at a dinner party and the host died because she tried to poison my food, but I switched plates with her like a goddamn genius. And right as she was falling over I told her Jessica Fletcher taught me everything I know. Then Dolly Parton came in to solve the crime, because I guess Jessica was stuck in Cabot Cove or whatever, and she said “Well, she gone and...
Replace Ashton Kutcher with Michael Shoeffling from the movie Mermaids, and 2006 with 1990, and this is the story of my freaking life, y’all. skarvika: jackassnicholson: how can this be real no way dsjgakhdsgkjsgjkghkfsh