Anytime I read an email that’s signed with just the person’s first initial, I remember that time at my first real job when I left a sticky note on my boss’s desk and signed it “J” and she was like “who left this note on my desk?” and I was like “me” and she was like “I don’t know who the fuck ‘J’ is” and I was like “I’m the only one with the initial J here” and she was like “and that makes you important enough to not use your full name? and I was like “Jesus.” 

I went in for a simple teeth cleaning yesterday and the suction device that’s supposed  to suck up the spit got stuck to the inside of my cheek. The hygienist had to RIP. IT. OFF. Now the sagging cheek skin feels like a gill inside my mouth. I’m a f*&king fish now. The good news is that if you’re trans-species and are looking to become a fish, it costs just a couple hundred bucks and they’ll do it over your lunch hour. And you get a free toothbrush.

An old friend just emailed to say he “hopes life is under control so far.” If it wasn’t already clear, he’s German.

Some companies post notes that celebrate 43 days free of workplace injuries. Mine celebrates 43 days free of bathroom unpleasantness, complete with photos of kittens and pink toilet paper.